the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
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