I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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