turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
