Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
she woke up with a sticky ear
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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