god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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