I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
