I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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