Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
