I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Is Oprah even human
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Randomize
