My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
