Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
