Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
