Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
