I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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