I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
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