in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
my shit smells like andre
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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