Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
