Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
