i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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