Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
