I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
