She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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