Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
