I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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