Are we in a gay sports bar?
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
