i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
