I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
