dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
