i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
