sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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