I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
