My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
