I think I won the penis lottery.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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