i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
