I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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