she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
