Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
This toilet bowl is my home.
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