Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
