so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
