Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
