Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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