oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
