Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
