I'd wear matching sweaters with you
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
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