i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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