I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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