Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
