You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
