Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
