I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
