Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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