I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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