I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
