So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
