so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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